blackswanevent: (Eric Matthews on the DL.)
On the way to school today I was greeted by a very attractive young woman who was holding a stack of magazines. I didn't think anything of it beyond the usual human question of "who are you and why are you approaching me?" but I greeted her pleasantly if somewhat on my guard. When the magazines revealed themselves, copies of the publication "The watchtower", I was suddenly very conscious of the book I was reading. "The death Card" by ghost author (ghost writer? what's the protocol here?) Cade Merrill about things that I'm quite sure Jehovah's witnesses don't truck with. She asked what I was reading rather quickly and I tucked it aside embarrassed.

She thrust a copy of the watchtower into my hands and wanted to pass on more magazines to me. I politely declined, got on the bus, and flipped through it on the way to school-my copy of "The Death Card", a notable tome about witchcraft and death and general awesome nonsense.

The experience brought to mind religion for me, or at least my attitude and response to it. I gather that a lot of people might have strong feelings about these issues and I like to follow the general accepted notion of "whatever you do keep it to yourself." That's a principle I live my life by and one I learned from my parents. I do well with a cause, but I don't know if I have yet learned the fortitude to deal with a sacred cow of humanity.

You're probably wondering about "sacred cows."

When I was about 12 or 13 my mother on a quest to find out why I was overweight and odd smelling and generally exuded the air of an unloved hobo child took me to a holistic specialist who said I had ciliac disease. This means, I was allergic to wheat in addition to dairy products and he said that the insides of my intestines had become coated with a fine layer of powder rather then the healthy little worms that apparently live on the walls of our intestines.

This was all mystifying (and to this day I'm sure I got it wrong) but he said I needed to change my diet. I told him in no uncertain terms that trying to get me to stop eating fast food, bread, and cookies was a stupid idea and he should give up now rather then waste further effort. He accepted this with good humor. "Humanity," he said, "Has three sacred cows. Politics, Diet, and Religion."

That stuck with me. According to Wikipedia, The Harivamsha depicts Krishna as a cowherd. He is often described as Bala Gopala, "the child who protects the cows." Another of Krishna's names, Govinda, means "one who brings satisfaction to the cows." Other scriptures identify the cow as the "mother" of all civilization, its milk nurturing the population. The gift of a cow is applauded as the highest kind of gift.

The milk of a cow is believed to promote Sattvic (purifying) qualities. The ghee (clarified butter) from the milk of a cow is used in ceremonies and in preparing religious food. Cow dung is used as fertilizer, as a fuel and as a disinfectant in homes. Its urine is also used for religious rituals as well as medicinal purposes. The supreme purificatory material, panchagavya, was a mixture of five products of the cow, namely milk, curds, ghee, urine and dung. The interdiction of the meat of the bounteous cow as food was regarded as the first step to total vegetarianism.

Let me propose that christianity and Western religion also has it's sacred cows-the tenents of religion, the sacraments, the kabbalah, the torah, even "On the Origin of Species" (while fact) could also be considered a sacred cow that people may have to die to defend if the pundents have their way. People have died for them, people have fought for them, people debate them. There's nothing wrong with a sacred cow, sacred cows provide comfort in our hour of darkness. They provide anchors to cling to, they provide facts, they're symbols of us trying to understand how the world works.

The problem with sacred cows is that everybody wants to share theirs. They want conformation that their cow is the best cow. Their cow gives the most milk, gives the most meat, feeds their families. Their cow is the warmest, their cow is the kindest. They'll overlook any similarities to any other herd because their cattle, their cow is the best cow.

I was raised with a particular cow-that of "christianity". My father was an especially religious individual. I'm named after the wife of his childhood youth pastor. He volunteered at religious camps and the Y, and he insisted that I be baptized. My mother's cow, a special part of the herd called "Catholicism" had been a particularly violent beast and she wasn't in any hurry to renew her relationship with those particular goat herds. Lutheranism was nice, safe, and it ultimately stuck a big historical and religious finger in the direction of his holiness the pope of Rome.

I hated church. I sat in church and drew in all the booklets. I fell asleep kneeling at the altar. My grandmother-also religious-insisted on regular graces. When my parents divorced (thank goodness for protestants) my father married a woman who's brother had entered the episcopalian priesthood. Episcopalians are cooler to a point then protestants because it's got all the attractive trappings of Catholicism, the smells, the bells, the vestments, but none of the tithes or confession or any of the trimmings. Thank you Henry the Eighth and your desire to put sexual frustration at the forefront of the minds of the populace. It's thanks to you that I stopped being bored in church.

I spent a good part of my childhood active in my stepmother's church. I was an altar girl, I wore the robes, I carried the cross, I knelt. In one particularly memorable service I lit my hair on fire and ran screaming from the church to the bathroom where I promptly sobbed and refused to come out even after the priest himself had come to get me. I couldn't help it, Walter was a religious man. Christmas was a big deal to them. Their sacred cow was an attractive and docile offshoot of the Catholic Herd.

The thing was, I'm old enough and I've seen enough for the world to make some notations about religion. And before you think "Carolyn neither your age nor personal inclination should give you any background on religion" the fact is-you're wrong. I have been around the block; seen it and done it and lived on the benefactors that religion by nature provides.

Do I believe in God.


I believe in the idea of God, the notion of a mystical presence in the universe. I think there's too much to disprove the notion that everything has been a happy accident. I think that if you look long and hard enough yeah you could find reasons to explain why people around the globe all came together to have one central story that mirrors a whole bunch of other ones. I think if you look hard enough you could de-construct all of the stories but I personally need the fufillment and the idea that in my darkest hour there is someone who I can talk to who will just listen.

I suppose that if I had to believe in God then I admit to taking the "Santa Claus" approach to it. My mother consoled me with the death of my santa cow by saying that Santa was "a nice idea that inspired others to do good and be nice to people." I suppose that I look at God or the notion of a god the same way. The idea that you can do good, say a few things and behave nicely to people and get presents isn't a new one.

For me, the idea of religion is one that when I close my eyes and I hurt inside, I don't have to talk to myself to sort out these problems. I don't have to roll my eyes and go "God I'm talking to myself." And in a more serious case I don't have to justify it as "a voice in my head". I don't hear voices, I don't believe I'm god, but I like to have a reason for talking aloud if I need to when I'm lonely or sad.

In reading this you have probably come to the conclusion "Dear God Carolyn is treating God as an imaginary friend." To which I respond with the following. There are feelings that we all have, thoughts that we all have, emotions that we all have that in our darkest hour can be dangerous to ourselves and others. I know better then anyone that expressing these kinds of thoughts to a health professional can sometimes be detrimental to your personal ambitions.

What harm is there in meditation and private spiritual reflection and in confessing thoughts like these to an ambivalent entity? And if that entity through some chance of fortune does exist, then you at least you're paving the way for your path to go in one direction or another.

The fact is, I call that entity "god" so I don't have to tell myself things I already know and because I honestly don't think I have enough wit to vary the tune. I spent 24 years calling he/she/it/Jesus/Allah/Buddha/Giant Space chicken "God" and that's probably the most time I've ever invested in anything apart from living.

To me, the expression of a bigger diety and a larger place in the world is a comforting thing, like a security blanket. I still have my security blanket. But I don't spend all day with Blankie. Someday he will go into my hope chest that my mother is keeping for me. He has a lot of memories attached to him, a lot of sad moments and a lot of happy snuggly ones but he's not forever.

My take on organized religion is expressed in the following. Apart from instances where I desire to share with you my viewpoint, I do not share personal details about my beliefs or my habits unless we have a pre-existing long standing relationship and I would never presume to force any of my beliefs or desires on others. My sacred cows are mine and I am proud of them and honestly I don't need to extoll their virtues to anyone to be proud of them. I can be persuaded to make changes but part of life is taking strides out into the herd and chosing your own beasts from the field.

You can desire to point people toward certain sections of the herd but to force someone in that direction, to shove literature into their hands for instance when they are trying to read is disrespectful. If anything the world must pursue education to provide people with the best cow-the best religion, the best politics, the best diet. Attempting to do otherwise contradicts the fundamental truth of religion and that is that at some point according to all of these books we fought and obtained free will and while that might not have been what individuals wanted, it was accepted.

I hold the notion that you can screw up and still be accepted, and still be forgiven in too high an esteem to want to spit on someone's forgiveness. To attempt to return to a state of previous existence seems too difficult. The sad fact of everything is that things change. That's something the first caveman learned and something that it seems people have forgotten. Seasons change, the landscape of the earth changes, the stars change.

Relationships change. To try and keep things the same go back after a big fuck up like eating of that tree the supposed creator of all the universe said "do not eat" is a serious problem. To those who want to try and return to it, who want to bow in supplication...he gave his only son because he accepted what we'd done. And if he loves us so much? He'll forgive us. The entire thing smacks of desperation.

However I will always pick up the material, give it a read through and as long as no one tries to force it down my throat-to attempt to get me to make changes by continuing to press the issue-I will listen. My sacred cows, my beliefs because that is what they are, say that that's a good idea.

As great and terrible men and women have said through out history have said "No one can take away my right to be educated." I will read and I will happily learn. And while god may not be happy about free will, he didn't come down with a big lightning bolt and say "THIS IS NOT OKAY" so I'll be over here thinking my own thoughts and take it as it comes. If you believe in him then you do him a disservice when you refuse to enjoy every pleasure that he put here for us-supposedly.

So, to the energetic Jehovah's Witness who passed me and shoved that book into my hands. I appreciate, acknowledge and honor your beliefs. I will listen to them, I will acknolwedge them.

I will not be comfortable with them, especially when you attempt to bully or belittle your way into my little corner of the herd of cows and say yours is "The best". I will continue to look for opportunities to educate myself and still promote "The Devil's Carnival" wear my Repo! the Genetic Opera T-shirt, like gory and terrible things, believe in silence and do general nonsense. My sacred cows are none of your business.
blackswanevent: (Flapping Dash)
I figured it was time to post a like, final status update since upon checking my email this morning I solved my problem and I figured you guys might want a ~glimpse~ into my adventure so that you understand why there have been so many frantic "OH GOD" posts on my plurk.

To be quite honest this'll probably be my final post about it as I sort of made a vow last year that I wouldn't be dragging my personal stuff all over the internets (or at least put it behind a securely locked "thing")

TW: Homelessness, Mental Illness, Wangst, The Waambulance, Fear of Death. )
blackswanevent: (Nathan Wallace what the fuck)
I'm you. I've always been you. Small and furry-well not so small-you. )

Peebles and Tallis the Elf | Adventure Time in Dragon Age (can we talk about awesome crossovers?) | Peebles and Rapunzel | Two princesses for brilliance and win?


Dec. 30th, 2011 06:31 pm
blackswanevent: (Flapping Dash)
Roleplaying Updates | 12/30/2011

Hoffman and Rapunzel meet Kaylee Fry. I just gotta throw all the good puppets at the best ones.

Hoffman discusses [community profile] distantskies | Marisa Coulter and Hoffman are going to be INTERESTING.

Hoffman and Jill plus Hoffman and Tatra from Magic Knight Rayearth | ...Perhaps there might be a Jill Tuck in the future? [pleasant flail] Jerry Dandridge and Peter Vincent | Because I need a serious business voicetest. | Constance and Corbett. This is going to be fun | Princess Bubblegum Voice Test.

I'm thinking about apping George Huang from Law and Order SVU. I need to do a Hank Shrader voice test.


In other news! Working on Amanda Young Costume analysis for Tumblrfeed. I also produced This for tumblr. Having done my duty (so to speak) and as long as I queue up stuff, I'm pretty much gold and I can start working on my batman script for comic con 2012.

It's about time I devoted some time to Nolan. :D Along with roleplaying.
blackswanevent: (Creative/Chase the Morning)
Applications to the following roleplays have been filled out. That in addition [community profile] lastvoyages should keep my roleplay schedule pretty busy. Classes have been paid for (at least the two of them) I need the twelve units, plus a job, plus activities for roleplay and this.

The basic outline of a plan to get there )

In all honesty, I would sticky that if I had the balls to do so, but somebody might eventually (god forbid) actually READ this journal. I'm honestly trying to keep medical and personal stuff off the internet. I've blogged enough about this for a lifetime (and if Law and Order has taught us anything it's that somebody could take advantage of it)

Given that nobody seems to be reading my blog anyway (which is bitching honestly.) I might just do that.

Reserved the following characters:

[personal profile] letdownherhair | [community profile] sweven

[personal profile] lastmanstanding | [community profile] mysterium_tremendum

Up for pairing | [personal profile] bubblegumprincess, [personal profile] goodbyenaziballs, [personal profile] amongthedead, [personal profile] dogfacedrepoman and possibly [personal profile] thenightsurgeon.

Threads | Frankie-Stein and Torelai | Harvey Dent and Birdy| Hoffman waxes poetic

I have this weird urge to make a Painted Doll Journal except I can't because I know nothing. Instead I could go about making this carnival/satanic tumblr theme that I have planned. I'm also deboxing my monster high dolls to save space in April's room? (and for potential photo opportunities.) Or at least reblogging all of them except physical deducation Ghoulia because of all the tiny pieces and I don't want to lose them.

It'll be the same with most major dolls like my eventual plan to get DotD Ghoulia, Cupid, and Sweet 1600 Draculaura. The smaller dolls however, I can reblog and get the pieces into a bag. I'm only collecting Ghoulia, Draculaura, and Torelai (I got my first Torelai from Amanda) along with the stuffed dolls, but I'll also be picking up cupid (just to say I own it) and I need the 2012 doll (Steampunk Robot? Steampunk Robot)

I need to wait a year for the rest of my girls to come up though. A year to grab my San Diego Stuff and get an animal. Having April's animals around has been a huge help, but in January/Febuary we'll be staring to the moving out process (hopefully as long as a job's working).

Again, none of that as I don't want my personal stuff on the internet (within reason) but still.
blackswanevent: (Eric Matthews on the DL.)
| Gaming |


Nothing much in gaming to report today due to activity HERE. | sent in a modly email


Nothing particularly productive achieved today apart from cleaning house and participating in house activities.

Housing was discussed along with future housing plans. It was agreed that when FAFSA is doled out, if there's no concrete job in place I will begin paying a certain amount of Rent per month. I'm fine with that. I don't like feeling like I'm not contributing anything to the household.

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This was accomplished which I'll try to discuss more in depth tomorrow because I'd like to explore each of these options.

Be advised. This entry may be amended tomorrow when coherency is no longer a problem. Entry Amended 12:28:2011

An In-Depth analysis of the Fandom!Card: Incomplete )

I started off this journal entry with a lot of feels, but again these feels have disappated with time. I'm happy with the fandom analysis however. I like quizzes like this because it makes decisions official so I know what houses to root for and such, and such.
blackswanevent: (Gunter and penguins)
| Threads in Progress |

BB!Hoffman on Livejournal | BB!Hoffman and Friends (That thread is officially a highlight)


Rapunzel | Rapunzel and her Vampire Friends | Hoffman and Lisbeth Salander | Pinkie-Pie | Kerry | LOCKED

I'm trying to decide if I want to keep up this habit of writing down all my threads and daily activities. It's helping teach me to keep records of things (and I admit that there's something pretty solid and dependable about it. It makes me feel accomplished listing all my RP stuff. Maybe I have way too many puppets I'm looking at but I figure that I can split it up into days or something alone those lines. A few puppets for every day so that I don't get overwhelmed and that I can work on storylines and stuff.

That, will also give me practice in planning things and making stuff organized. Like how I'm playing around with this and going, "Okay...easy. Take it easy. Grab all the things and have fun. Thankfully I just found some neat tumblr support groups however so we'll be working on that.

I accidentally cosplayed as Tate and Violet from American Horror Story 's ghostly lovechild today so I needed an appropriate cosplay picture.
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That and a failed trip to the food stamps office sums up today. I need to go either tomorrow or Wednesday so that I can actually file for stamps up here, and then I'll be one step closer to everything since January is FAFSA month.

Positive thoughts and listing accomplishments can go far in life and leave you, when they're all laid out at the end of the day, looking snazzy and sharp!
blackswanevent: (Hoffman is on edge)
Journal Updates -

Posted with: Jerry | Rapunzel |

Continued Thread: In which Harvey Dent meets a man who offers to heal him psychologically and he declines. And then he meets a vampire

Updated [personal profile] wolvesinthewalls journal with philosophy discussion websites on the nature of talking to children. She continues to have adventures

Plus Baby!Flood at TLV. I'm excited because I get to play him as not knowing the barge so he's going to run around looking for his sister and probably dragging around his bow and arrow and then wondering why his room doesn't have any toys. And Alison Kerry and Eric Matthews because they are awesome.

No other updates apart from looking for something to do with Kerry and the rest of them. Slowly but surely I'm making a massive list of all of the awesome things that are awesome in my life. The only thing is that next week is going to be busy. Finishing up application for foodstamps, can't do school, have to talk to family about school related stuff and see if maybe they can spring for the 300 dollars to get a netbook and or laptop.

The things that bother me is that my mother hasn't called me yet, and I can't find the Christmas cards she sent me.

On the homefront we had an absolutely wonderful Christmas. I was surprised by a number of gifts and will be cherishing several things-including a brand new wool coat. It's time to pay it forward and get what's coming to me so next week I've got to keep up this "give no fucks" attitude.

Some Useless photos of the stuff that I got for Christmas. )

This one time I had like, an awesome Christmas thanks to Friends and Family and I'm just...overwhelmed. Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, there is a God, there is a divining force in the Universe. Time to earn more good karma especially when I think about some of the things I did over the summer. Yes guys, it does pay to give your foodstamps to other homeless guys and it does pay to give your last dollar 25 to another person who needs to ride the bus.

I promised though, no personal stuff without a cut or a warning so I need to point you guys to something specific.

The Devil's Carnival. The latest project from the masterminds behind Repo! the Genetic Opera takes you on a wild violent ride. Just what is the Devil's Carnival? Are we truly on our way to Hell? One please, I'm totally excited.

I'm trying to jumpstart the fandom bandwagon. ~ Fa'la'la guys let's all go to hell.

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Good lord I can't wait to get a better computer.
blackswanevent: (Kerry at Work.)
Journals updated-

[personal profile] outforbloodinvegas | [personal profile] bubblegumprincess

Posted for -

| [personal profile] wolvesinthewalls | and Harvey.

Day Three of Documentation )

Tomorrow we're getting up fucking early, opening gifts, and I'm going back to sleep while April runs to work. Then when she gets back (after some meeting with her family privately) we're going to see Sherlock Holmes and spend the evening movie-hopping.

I'm excited.
blackswanevent: (Flapping Dash)
Roleplay to do List -

- Journals to work on in their entirety -
[personal profile] acatwithglasses | [personal profile] bringmeeveryone | [personal profile] notgoingback | [personal profile] bubblegumprincess | [personal profile] outforbloodinvegas | [personal profile] worldsbestmarksman

- Journals to write into -

[personal profile] believe_in_me | [personal profile] amongthedead |

- Journals to write apps/details for -

[personal profile] specialagentwizard | [personal profile] thenightsurgeon

Holy crap I actually gamed today and it didn't feel like it was full of pain and failure. On the plus side however I also made a fuckton of other communities/accounts for things and added a profile to almost everything that would require one.
blackswanevent: (Shilo this is senseless)
A brief notation on the state of my gaming. )

Anyway, all of those things null and void. I quantified everything and arranged everything in [community profile] wolvesinwalls along with mirrors spread across livejournal, dreamwidth, and insanejournal. I classified each character by hogwarts house, some decided by pre-discussion and some decided by actually doing the individual test for the character. Then the same with their daemons/patronuses/all of those little questions that will eventually turn up in a meme/memes.

I snagged [personal profile] believe_in_me which was the name I wanted for Harvey eons ago.

I also snagged [personal profile] lastmanstanding for Hoffman on dreamwidth which...given that it looks like TLV might move is just an awesome set of circumstance.

I don't know how long the great move is going to last or just what people are going to be doing, but I went ahead and made icons for a bunch of people who I've been wanting to play but never had the balls to.

[personal profile] pigpuppets - ...I have this burning desire to learn just what the kids after SAW were doing. While John and Amanda rarely used kids (even Hoffman) we still have Daniel Matthews, Alison Gordon, and Rex and Morgan's unnamed daughter played by Bousman's niece. How did it affect them?

[personal profile] wolvesinthewalls - I literally found a copy of "The Wolves in the Walls" by Neil Gaiman on the bus two days ago. I'm utterly in love with it (obviously) and Lucy...well, I want to try playing a kid character. Lucy is just playing neat.

Those are the two I'm most excited about but I have canon review to do for [personal profile] acatwithglasses, Icons and journalbuilding for [personal profile] outforbloodinvegas, and finding a place to play [personal profile] amongthedead.

As much as I'm tempted to let [personal profile] lastmanstanding by the wayside since he only seems to serve as everybody's angry bitch and I want to play him as more then that I doubt that I can. After over a year of work Hoffman deserves some kind of happy ending or some kind of continuation where he can...function somewhat healthy.

I think that about covers my roleplaying news and represents the big "This is what I am spending my hiatus doing" post. If I can maintain this kind of dedication throughout next year and the other things that I want to do then allowing my hobbies to serve as my feelings in microcosm shouldn't happen and we can all get on with our lives without listless Carolyn running around and slamming fingers in doors.
blackswanevent: (The most accurate dolldevine)
So once upon a time, I was on this website called livejournal and I'd been on livejournal for years. I had this huge pile of drivel and crap that I went through and I posted a bunch of things and what should have been an organized blog of awesome turned into this huge diatribe about mental illness and the various ups and downs I went through as someone with mental illness and someone with crap parents who likes fandom goes through.

Then livejournal decided to be a huge tool and the world became small and ridiculous and I decided that, while I hadn't updated my livejournal in years I really ought to start blogging or at least appropriately mark blogs so that if they're MH related people can know to avoid and perhaps I won't be the "girl who cried wolf" (or at least remain just the girl with wolves in her walls)

So the ultimate conclusion is, I'm a lot more mature then I was (at least I think I am) so maybe I can have a blog to talk about things that are of interest to me without dissolving into fits of looking back in my blog and flipping out about the ups and downs that I make and the things that I want to talk about.

The thing is that I do most of my blog on tumblr and most of my blog stuff is actually shits and giggles related. I blog a lot about horror movies, movies in general, costuming, and nerdly pursuits. Occasionally I might have something to say in regards to Social Justice or Mental Health issues. Here's the thing about that. I'm just an uneducated boob from Southern California who's had a few experiences. I don't...really post opinions or rants or freakouts anymore. If I do they'll be appropriately marked and I'll be sure to warn you guys.

Point being-as I said-I'm an uneducated boob. I like encouraging discussion however. If you want to correct me or offer new opinions or you know-show me something else-I ask that you do that respectfully and calmly. I don't participate in discussions that I can't offer anything to, and if you simply rant about how wrong I am or about how much fail I'm made of I reserve the right to terminate our discussions. It won't be because I don't want to talk to you however. It'll be because...I literally have nothing else I can offer. How many times do you honestly want to hear "I'm sorry I'll do things differently from now on?"

I roleplay. A great big list of who I roleplay is available at [community profile] wolvesinwalls which is probably the most comprehensive list to date. It's classed by Hogwarts House, and each entry for currently active headmuses is detailed with their daemon, their patronus, and a link to their journals and mirrors thereof.

If you guys have a yen to thread with a particular character either there or other places you guys can leave a comment here or on [community profile] wolvesinwalls.

Some fun real life facts-I was in a Repo! the Genetic Opera shadowcast for two years after extensive work on the street team for lionsgate.

I've been in the back of a police car (not once, not twice, but three times) and still manages to harbor a desire to work with the police.

I've been homeless-not talking couch surfing but actual living in shelters in the system homeless. Status is currently upgraded to couch surfing.

I've been told I'm marginally intelligent. Fandoms include SAW, Repo, Steampunk, Lionsgate Films in general, vampires, Batman (primarily Nolanverse)

And honestly the more explanations that you ask for the less fun it is as we end up getting to know each other.

If you guys are interested in following my internet life (it really is a sort of duality isn't it) You guys can also check out the following websites.

Facebook | Tumblr | LJ Fanfiction (A) | LJ Fanfiction (B) | Writing Tumblr | Polyvore | Reddit | Ravelry | Plurk


blackswanevent: (Default)
And that is why that girl is called a tease.

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